


na'Tha'thhya

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: AOS Jim in TOS Universe, Alternate Universe, Episode: Journey to Babel, Fluff, Get Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mistaken Identity, episodic, mild violence, post khan, universe hopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 05:14:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14073654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The last thing Jim remembers is feeling the radiation sucking the life out of him, and seeing the tears in Spock's eyes.The first thing he becomes aware of after that, is that Spock kissing him...and since when does Spock kiss him?!





	na'Tha'thhya

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like a month ago? And totally forgot, then I was going through my draft folder and was like oh damn...so I threw together an ending and here it is.
> 
> It's basically me playing fast and loose with the idea that Jim dying from radiation sent him into the TOS universe, into one of my fave episodes, Journey to Babel. Mostly because I just really wanted AOS Jim to meet Amanda at least once. So this is my take on that. Anyway be warned of gratuitous use of Vulcan terms of endearment, and Spock being affectionate.
> 
> Title comes from the Vulcan phrase which means the passing on of ones katra.

The first thing Jim became aware of was pain. A throbbing, all encompassing pain through every limb, starting at the base of his skull. His temples throbbed, and though his arms felt weighted down with lead, he managed to reach up and press finger against the soft spots, rubbing them gently.

“Bones,” he said, his voice croaking. God, he’d kill for a hypo, and it took him being in a lot of pain to wish that.

“Jesus, Jim,” Bones said, his voice annoyed as ever, a little more roughened around the edges, maybe. Jim struggled to open his eyes and get a good look at his friend, but couldn’t make his body obey. “It’s like you’re trying to get yourself killed.”

Jim rolled onto his back and forced one eye open, but was instantly blinded by Bones’ exam light. “What the hell happened?”

“You tell me,” Bones demanded. “Mr. Scott found you lying on the floor in engineering with your heartbeat at fifty-eight beats per minute. If I hadn’t gotten there…” Bones went quiet, then Jim felt a sharp punch to his shoulder, then another hypo in his neck. “What the hell were you doing down there?”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose in thought, breathing as the drugs kicked in to take the edge off the throbbing. “I don’t…” He struggled, but everything was foggy, like the last two years had been a dream. “There was…there were those pods,” Jim said. Things began to clear, and he felt a sharp surge of panic, and tried to sit up, but his body still wouldn’t cooperate. “Khan! The ship! The core,” he gasped, and tried to roll over.

“Jim,” Bones said sharply, grabbing his bicep and shoving him over. “Jim, Khan left this ship a year ago.”

At that, Jim forced his eyes open and stared at Bones. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was something else, but Bones looked…wrong. Aged—and not from lack of sleep or sneaking his flask too often. No, there were creases near his eyes and mouth which weren’t there before, and his hands were roughened and had just the barest shake to them.

Everything felt _wrong_.

Jim sat up, scrubbing at his face. “Bones, are you telling me I lost a damn year of my life when…whatever happened? Did Scotty pull up the security feed?”

“What kind of fool doctor do you take me for?” Bones demanded. “If I hadn’t done it, you know Spock would have been breathing down Scotty’s neck. There’s nothing on there. You walk into the corridor, and then you collapsed. Every scan I’ve run says that you’re coming out of radiation poisoning, only we can’t find a trace of it on you.”

Jim felt his stomach twist, because that sounded…right. That sounded right. The core, the window, Spock staring at him with emotion in those dark eyes. Jim reaching out and touching the glass.

The fear. God, the fear.

Jim breathed and calmed, reminding himself he was alive, and whatever the hell else happened, he’d survived it. Khan was a year ago. So the rest well…

He’d just have to figure it out.

“Where’s Spock?”

“He’s got the conn, but I’ve already chased him out of here four times now. He’ll be relieved to hear you’re up. Or well, as relieved as he ever gets.” Bones turned and grabbed his comm, paging Spock. “The Captain’s awake, and I don’t suppose telling you it’s unnecessary to come down here is going to make a difference, is it?”

“Affirmative, Dr. McCoy,” came Spock’s voice, sounding deeper, more gravelly than it normally did, but it was probably just the connection.

Jim flopped back against the pillows. “I need a drink.”

“You can have water,” Bones grumbled at him, and shoved a small cup into his hand. “Slowly. If I have to clean up vomit, I’m not going to be happy about it.”

Jim rolled his eyes, but was careful as he sipped the cool water. His throat felt sore, raw, but he managed to get down half the liquid before the doors to sickbay slid open and Spock walked in.

At first glance there was no change. He was simply Spock, in his severe uniform with his hands behind his back and his eyes the only real human thing about him. They were locked on Jim’s face and he could read the relief. Hell, he could _feel_ it, which was maybe the strangest thing of it all.

“Doctor, if you wouldn’t mind giving us a moment alone?” Spock said.

Jim braced himself for a thorough cussing out from Bones, but instead the doctor just sighed and said, “A moment. Believe me if I catch anything untoward on this bed I’m coming after the both of you.”

Then he was gone, and Jim tried to swallow back his surprise as Spock released his hands and walked over. Jim expected questions, maybe, or an inquiry as to how he was recovering. He did _not_ expect Spock to reach out and run hands all over him, pressing to the malleable muscles in his arms, on his torso. He didn’t expect Spock to gently cup his chin and turn his face up, and for a moment Jim forgot where he was, _who_ he was, only that he was getting something he’d wanted for a long, long time now.

He leaned into the touch before he came back to himself. “Spock. What…uh. What?”

Spock lifted a brow, then leaned down and pressed his forehead to Jim’s. A wash of relief and affection flooded into Jim, and Jim’s breath caught in his throat. “It took a great deal of meditation to control my emotions, Jim,” Spock murmured. “I do wish you would endeavor to keep yourself out of situations like that. And I do wish you could point out the source of radiation affecting you.”

“Warp core,” Jim murmured.

Spock took a startled step back, breaking the emotional transference between them. “Jim. How were you near the warp core?”

“You were there,” Jim insisted, rubbing his hand down his face, but then he remembered. A year ago. So no, no it couldn’t have been that because he survived. A _year_ ago. “I mean…shit. I’m sorry, whatever the hell got me, it’s affecting my memory.”

Spock looked concerned, and he reached out again, with two fingers, and tilted Jim’s head up. This time, Spock kissed him, and yet again Jim was lost to the sensation and giving in to the want he’d been suppressing for so, so long. “I am attempting not to break Dr. McCoy’s trust, so I will return to the bridge until the delegates arrive.”

Jim blinked, a little kiss-dumb and flustered. “Uh. Delegates.”

Spock frowned just a little, but nodded. “Affirmative. Mr. Sulu’s last transmission has the shuttle approaching in twenty standard minutes. It is imperative that we should dress and prepare the reception.”

“Right. Uh.” Jim just blinked owlishly as Bones came back into the room and took Jim by the arm.

“You go finish whatever Vulcan primping you need to do, and I’ll get Jim ready.”

Confused by everything happening, Jim let himself be manhandled to his quarters which were…different. Not so different they couldn’t have been his, but different enough it made him feel a little wobbly at the knees again.

“Come on. I know you hate dressing up and you’re not alone in this. I feel like this collar’s tryn’a choke me to death. Then we gotta go make nice with the Ambassador, so believe me when I say I feel your pain, Jim.” Bones shoved Jim at his bed where his dress clothes were laid out. He frowned at them slightly, because when did he get those?

“Bones,” Jim said, struggling into the tight, Betazed-silk shirt. “You’re not at all worried that I can’t seem to remember an entire year?”

Bones frowned at him. “Jim, I’m worried about a thousand things with you right now, but we gotta ship full of international delegates, half of which are reading and willing to rip the other half’s heads off, and we have them for two weeks. I can’t afford to lock you up in medbay and poke at you until I figure out what the hell is wrong. And I know you, Jim. You wouldn’t let me.”

“Well… Okay fair,” Jim said, and turned to look at himself in the mirror. It was the worst, most startling moment by far, because he was looking at his face, but it wasn’t his face. He was thicker, heavier, muscle and fat rounding him out and making him more dense than he’d ever been. And he looked…older. He wasn’t staring at a youthful, twenty-six year old face anymore. There was at least a decade more life he was staring at.

His heart began to thump wildly, and he pressed his hand to the side of the mirror to steady himself. “Bones,” he said quietly.

The doctor turned toward him, eyes widening. “You’re pale as a damn Andorian, Jim!”

Jim waved him off. “Tell me about Khan.”

Bones’ eyebrows shot up. “Why the hell do you want to know about that madman?”

“I just…tell me about him, about how we beat him,” Jim all-but begged. He knew time was running short, but something was nagging at him. Because more than a year had passed. He could feel it.

Bones rubbed a hand down his face, then sighed. “Alright ah…well. Before he managed to take control of everything and kill the crew, you and Spock filled the ship with gas to knock everyone out. Khan managed to escape, but the two of you fought. You eventually knocked him out, and he was brought up on charges.”

Jim swallowed thickly. “No one died. I…the ship. She never…” He cleared his throat. “She didn’t crash.”

Bones looked terrified. “No, Jim,” he said in a near whisper. “She never crashed. Khan and his people are on Ceti Alpha V.”

Jim took a step back, the knowledge of it—the people saved, the ship okay—nearly knocking him to his feet. “Okay,” he said, and straightened. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Alright Jim,” Bones said after a moment, “now I’m worried. Why don’t you put Spock in charge of meeting the delegates. Lord knows he’s perfectly capable of handling a bunch of Vulcans.”

Jim scoffed. “It’s Sarek, Bones. I’d actually like to see him again, you know? And Spock could probably use the back-up, considering.” He’s not sure what the hell else changed, but he certainly can’t imagine that even after the death of Amanda, Spock and Sarek’s relationship isn’t a little tense.

Bones blinked at him. “Considering what, Jim?”

“Uh…everything?” Jim said, waving his hand. He finished buttoning his shirt and decided he’d deal with whatever cluster-fuck was going on with his head later. Either the radiation really messed him up, or whatever attacked him in engineering caused a massive, massive hallucination. Either way, he was _still_ captain, and he still had duties to perform.

Bones stared at him a while, then gave a resigned sigh, knowing full well Jim’s mind was made up. “Alright, then. Let’s get this over with. The sooner we get to Babel, the sooner get these people the hell off the ship, and the sooner I can get my instruments into that head of yours.”

Jim shuddered, and quickly led the way down the hall.

Spock was waiting for Jim with a handful of crew members all in their dress uniforms. Jim was mildly surprised to see Spock adorning Starfleet Dress and not something Vulcan, but then again he knew there was tension still since Spock had decided not to head off to New Vulcan to help with the colony.

Bones took his place, and before the door opened, Jim leaned into Spock. “Is your dad still giving you a hard time about the Vulcan thing? I mean, this is going to be fine, right? Having him here on the ship.”

Spock visibly startled, which was saying something considering his normal control. He blinked at Jim. “How…are you aware of my parents?”

Jim laughed. “Funny. Seriously, though, there’s not going to be a problem with this, right?”

Spock raised a brow, and still looked shaken. “I do not believe there will be. The tensions between my father and myself are tolerable, and I do not believe my mother will attempt to make it an issue.”

That hit Jim like a blow to the solar plexus, but before he could grab Spock and demand to know what the _hell_ , the doors slid open, and Jim could see Sarek striding from the shuttle, a woman wearing a head-covering right behind him.

Jim’s heart started hammering in his chest, and he had the urge to turn, to grab Spock by the collar and demand to know what was going on, why was Amanda here—alive. Was Vulcan…could Vulcan be…

But no. There was no way the entire three years had been a total, mass hallucination.

Jim composed himself long enough to look at Sarek who was staring at him as though he hadn’t stopped his son from choking Jim to death on the bridge. “Ambassador,” he choked out.

Sarek offered the ta’al, and Jim offered one right back, which caused Sarek’s eyebrows to rise a fraction. “Captain Kirk,” Sarek said in his monotone voice. 

Jim took a step back, then glanced over and said, “My first officer who I’m sure you’re acquainted with—Commander Spock.”

Spock held up his own ta’al. “Vulcan honors us with your presence. We come to serve,” he said in a tone far more emotionless than Jim had heard him in years.

Sarek raised a brow, then turned away from Spock, giving no more acknowledgement of Spock’s presence. “Your service honors us, Captain.”

Jim swallowed thickly, trying not to stare at his XO. “Thank you.”

“These are my Aides who will be assisting me,” Sarek said, then beckoned his hand, “and she who is my wife.”

Jim’s eyes widened, and he felt a rush of something—grief, maybe, disbelief—as the woman stepped up. Jim had seen her in fleeting photographs and memories when the elder Spock had melded with him, but up close, Jim could instantly see the way she and Spock shared the same eyes. She was beautiful, of course, her mouth curved in a soft smile as she pressed two fingers to her husband’s.

“Dr. Grayson,” Jim said, nodding his head in greeting. “It is truly an honor to meet you.” He supposed there was some sort of miracle there which kept his voice from cracking, which kept him from leaping forward and demanding to know how. _How_ , and what else had changed.

Amanda looked mildly startled, but offered her own head-nod in greeting. “Thank you for having us, Captain Kirk.” Her voice was mild and soft, and Jim could see right then just why Spock had been unable to control his anger and grief over a woman he loved so much.

Jim glanced at Bones, knowing he wasn’t going to last without getting some answers, and he needed a moment alone. “We can of course get the two of you quickly settled, and Mr. Spock can conduct a tour of the ship…”

“I would much prefer someone else conduct the tour,” Sarek said quickly.

Jim’s throat went dry, and it was painfully obvious when he said, “Of course.”

At the awkward silence, Bones piped up, “Spock, since we’re so near the planet, do you want to take the time to beam down and say hello to your parents.”

Jim’s eyes snapped up, and saw Spock’s cheeks lightly tinged green. “Ambassador Sarek and Dr. Grayson are my parents, Dr. McCoy.”

“Vulcan. We’re…near Vulcan,” Jim managed.

Bones frowned. “You’ll have to excuse the Captain. He had taken ill just before your arrival, and the medication is just wearing off.”

“Yes I…” Jim cleared his throat, scrubbed a hand down his face before dropping it quickly. “I apologize for my unprofessional behavior. I should have sent someone in my stead, but I wanted to be here to greet you, of course.”

“There is no offense taken, Captain. We appreciate your loyalty to your position,” Sarek said. He didn’t look back at Spock.

Jim breathed out, then said, “Ensign, please show the Ambassador and his wife to their quarters. I can meet with you in thirty standard minutes for the tour, and we can discuss business after that.”

Sarek nodded. “Thank you, Captain.” He, Amanda, and the two aides walked off after the red-shirted Ensign, and the moment they turned the corner, Jim sagged.

“Medbay, now,” Bones ordered.

Jim, however, was staring at Spock. “Give me ten minutes, Bones. Please.”

Bones looked between Jim and Spock, then nodded and muttered a few curses under his breath as he hurried off. The rest of the envoy disappeared, and within minutes, he and Spock were alone.

“I believe it was my deceit that is upsetting you, Jim,” Spock said, reaching out to help steady Jim. “I was unaware you knew about the Ambassador.”

Jim shook his head. “Spock I…of course I know. He was there when…” Jim stopped himself. He blew out a puff of air. “Something’s happening, Spock.”

Spock’s hand came to Jim’s cheek, and Jim flinched back for a second, thinking of the meld. Only Spock didn’t do more than touch his cheek, a fleeting brush of skin which left Jim with a wave of calm and affection. “Ashayam. I am concerned.”

Jim frowned at the term, and at the way Spock was staring at him. “I need to see Bones, and then you and I…we need to talk.”

“Of course. Allow me to accompany you to sickbay.”

Jim wanted to tell him to get back to the bridge, but he had a feeling Spock wouldn’t have listened anyway. He was just grateful Spock allowed him to walk on his own, to not make him appear to have lost control. “You take the conn,” Jim said. “I’m compromised.”

Spock frowned, but nodded. “You will inform me of what Dr. McCoy says regarding your health?”

“Of course,” Jim said, just inside the door.

It was shut, and Spock glanced back at it before stepping forward, taking Jim’s chin by the tips of his fingers, and tilting him in for another kiss. It was just as soft, just as sweet as the one he’d shared with Spock before, and it sent his toes tingling, and a sense of rightness surging through him.

“Be well, ashayam,” Spock murmured, then he stepped back and was gone.

Jim backed up in a daze until his legs hit the back of a bed, and he sat down hard as Bones walked into the room. “Tell me what the hell is going on with you, Jim,” he demanded, pulling out his tricorder and starting at Jim’s temple.

“Well for starters,” Jim said, turning to look at Bones, “I’d like to know when the hell Spock and I started making out like horny teenagers.”

Bones’ hand froze somewhere near Jim’s torso. “Seriously?”

Jim ran both hands down his face, pressing hard as he let out a huge groan. “Yes, seriously! Goddamn it, Bones. The last thing I remember is dying from radiation poisoning after I fixed the fucking core on the ship so she didn’t nuke the goddamn planet, and I wake up in sickbay with Spock _kissing_ me! And his parents are here! And Vulcan is right outside our fucking window!”

“Your heart is going to explode if you don’t calm yourself down,” Bones said, but there was a note of fear in his voice. “We haven’t been near Earth in a year. Not since Khan’s trial.”

Jim felt white-hot panic hit him, and he tried to breathe through it. “Does the name Nero mean anything to you?”

Bones frowned. “Like the Roman Emperor?”

Jim’s laugh was almost hysterical. “No, Bones. I don’t mean the Roman Emperor. Shit. _Fuck_.” He fell back against the bed and covered his face as Bones prodded him with something else. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m not supposed to be here.”

“This is just…whatever attacked you down there, Jim…it messed with your mind.”

Jim pushed himself up on his elbows. “I met you the day I signed up for the Academy,” Jim said. “We were on a shuttle, heading out, and you threatened to throw up on me. Said you had to join because your ex wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce, and space was all you had left. Three years we spent together at the Academy, and you snuck me on the Enterprise when Pike was given command.”

Bones was pale as he stared at Jim.

“That’s not how it happened at all, is it?” Jim asked in a small voice.

“I don’t know what the hell happened to you Jim. The tricorder is telling me that you are James T. Kirk, Captain of this ship but…”

“I am Captain,” Jim said, almost fiercely. “I’m Captain of a ship that’s so busted it shouldn’t be flying right now. I was made Captain after I took control from Spock because he’d just watched his entire planet destroyed. Where I come from, Bones, Vulcan doesn’t exist.”

Bones backed up, sitting hard on the second bed, his tricorder hanging limply from his fingers. “How.”

“I don’t know,” Jim said. “The last thing I remember I was trying to save the fucking planet from Khan, and now I’m here.” He let out another laugh, just as hysterical as the last, and shook his head. “I should be dead. Hell, maybe I am. Maybe I died an this is my…afterlife?”

Bones wheezed a short laugh. “Head injuries and making out with your first officer.”

“I’ve been wanting to do that last part for years so…uh. Yeah,” Jim rubbed the back of his neck. “What the fuck do we do?”

After a long pause, Bones said, “We fake it til you make it, Jimbo. Because we gotta ship full of hostile delegates waiting to take a vote on a new Federation planet, and if they think you’re in any way vulnerable…”

“I won’t put the ship at risk, or the crew,” Jim said firmly.

“Well, if I ever had a doubt about who you were before this moment,” Bones said with his crooked smile.

Jim started to grin, until he realized something. “Shit. I might have to tell Spock. I can’t keep…you know. I mean, I’m not his Jim. What if some Universe hole ripped open in the time continuum and yanked me from my universe to this one. It means his Jim still exists somewhere and I’m…I can’t take his place.”

“You know that green-blooded goblin won’t lie, Jim,” Bones said. “You breathe a word and he’ll be bound by Starfleet orders to tell the truth.”

Jim groaned. “He’s going to figure it out anyway, Bonesy. He’s going to kiss me again, and he’s going to read something from my head and realize I’m not who he thinks I am. What’s worse, a Vulcan who feels morally obligated to tell the truth, or one who feels morally obligated to tell the truth, and is pissed that I lied?”

“You really fucked yourself with this one, kid.”

Jim laughed, turning on his side as he hugged the pillow. “Yeah. Yeah apparently I did.”

~*~ 

Before Jim met with Sarek and Amanda, Bones provided a break-down of the mission, and Jim’s job as a mediator between all parties for the duration of the journey to Babel. Attempting to memorize it was enough to keep him occupied and to keep from falling into a panic about whether or not he was going to tell Spock the truth, and face the potential consequences.

In truth, he knew telling Spock would be better than not. Coming clean would allow him the chance to argue logic—why they shouldn’t tell Starfleet about Jim’s condition considering the fall out it could have and the repercussions on the other Jim who was…well, who the hell knew where.

He kept the thought in the back of his head as he met with Sarek and began the tour of the ship, and was grateful at least that this Enterprise was almost identical to his own. It was distracting enough until they reached the main computer systems, where Spock was diligently working at one of the machines.

Sarek followed Jim into the main computer room, but Jim watched out of the corner of his eye as Amanda leaned down to speak with her son. He saw the way Spock stiffened, the way his mouth went tight at the corners, the little tells he’d learned after these years working together, that Spock was uncomfortable. And worse—Spock was upset.

But this was also a Spock who had not lost his mother. A Spock who was on the outs with his father, and Jim still didn’t have a clear idea as to _why_.

“My wife, attend,” Sarek ordered when he realized that Amanda was talking with her son.

Jim bristled at that, and when Spock made to leave the room, Jim called after him, “Mr. Spock, if you would come here for a moment?”

He saw the line of tension in Spock’s shoulders, but also knew his XO wouldn’t deny him a direct order, even if it had been posed as a request. Spock made his way over, hands behind his back, and Jim fought back the unbearable urge to take one of Spock’s hands into his own. “Mr. Spock, would you like to explain how this system works to the Ambassador?”

Spock looked like he’d been slapped across the face, and Jim understood it was some faux pas, but he didn’t know why. The Ambassador himself merely said, “I gave Spock his first computer lesson, Captain, and he chose to devote his knowledge to Starfleet instead of the Vulcan Science Academy.”

Jim looked at Spock carefully, but said nothing.

Spock gave the barest nod of his head, glanced briefly at his father, then his mother and said, “If you will excuse me, Captain.” He turned and left, and Jim wanted to go after him, but knew it wasn’t his place.

“I didn’t mean to cause offense,” Jim eventually said.

Sarek, had he been human, likely would have scoffed. “Offense is a human emotion, Captain.” And Jim almost laughed, because he had seen Sarek with plenty of emotion after his planet was destroyed, after his wife killed. And he saw it now in the way Sarek dropped his hand from Amanda’s and said, “If you will excuse me. I will be returning to my quarters. Amanda, please continue the tour without me.”

Jim felt a sudden bubble of panic at being alone with her like this. The woman Spock had failed to save, who had provoked Spock into a near murderous rage which had, in effect, given Jim the captaincy of the Enterprise. A woman who was responsible for rearing the child with bravery and strength, into the being that Jim had fallen in love with, so desperately, and so deeply.

“You look troubled, Captain Kirk.”

“Jim, please, if that doesn’t cause offense.”

She laughed softly. “Of course not, Jim. Although my son and I speak infrequently, he does speak of you often during those conversations. He’s fond of you, and I’ve come to think of you as something like family.”

Jim was startled by that, wondering if Spock had come clean about whatever he and the other Jim had together. He wasn’t an idiot, of course, had no intention of bringing that up, but he couldn’t help but be curious. “Sarek and Spock don’t speak because he chose Starfleet.”

“Sarek suffered a great disappointment when Spock chose Starfleet over the Vulcan Academy. Spock is half human, but he wished for his son to follow in his footsteps, to stay with the teachings of Surak. I must confess, I held no small joy when Spock announced he would not be undergoing Kholinar.”

Jim blinked. “I don’t believe I’m familiar with the term.”

“It is the final step in following the teachings of Surak,” Amanda said. “When one purges themselves of all emotion, and dedicates themselves fully to logic.”

Jim felt a strange, uncomfortable heat in his chest at the thought of Spock losing what little emotions he chose to show. He would see the human light in Spock’s eyes dim, and he wasn’t sure he would ever be prepared for such a thing. 

“He’s my best officer,” Jim said, trying to keep control. He reminded himself this was not _his_ Spock, this was another. But he didn’t think that really made any difference—he couldn’t imagine Spock being anything else, in any other universe.

Amanda merely smiled. “I believe my husband would like me to continue the tour.”

Jim nodded, and beckoned her along the corridor.

~*~ 

Jim was still trembling with the adrenaline of breaking up the fight between Sarek and the Tellarite Ambassador. The tension in the room was rising, and Jim was feeling out of his depth, not knowing the ins and outs of the potential agreement which would have been necessary to play peacemaker. Instead he had to rely on his power—as Captain of the ship, to end the conflict. Sarek stormed off to meditate, and the Tellarites took their leave of the gathering.

Jim decided it was a good a time as any to head back to his Ready Room, but he found himself taking another turn, and standing in front of another door. He was there only moments when it slid open, and Jim walked in to find Spock sitting on his meditation mat.

“I was not expecting you so early, Jim,” Spock said when the door shut. He rose, his bare feet padding across the floor as he extinguished his incense. He ordered the computer to lower the temperature by four degrees, then he turned to face Jim. “Is something troubling you? Were you able to receive adequate results from Dr. McCoy.”

“Well we figured out uh…sort of the problem,” Jim said, rubbing the back of his neck. “We don’t have anything close to a solution, but it’s kind of better we don’t let on that anything’s wrong until everyone’s off the ship. The last thing we need is some sort of mutiny. Especially with whatever Uhura has been picking up out there.”

Spock nodded his head. “Indeed, Jim. It is sound logic.”

“I’m glad you think so because I uh…have something to tell you.”

Spock chose that moment to close the distance between them in two quick strides, and before Jim could speak, Spock had a hand on his cheek. “You may tell me anything, ashayam.”

He leaned in for a kiss, and Jim carefully ducked out of it. “Yeah see that’s kind of the thing? You uh…kissing me.”

Spock looked stunned, and took a step back. “You appear to be attempting to dissolve our relationship.”

“No!” Jim said, almost hysterical. “I mean god, if there was one…just…trust me, okay? There’s not a force on this planet that would make me walk away from you if I actually had you.”

“Your words are most confusing, and I find myself…unsettled,” Spock said.

Jim swallowed thickly, then said, “I think uh…the only way you’re actually going to believe me is if you were to you know…” He gestured at his face, at his psi-points. “If I tell you, I’m going to sound like a madman. And this way you’ll be able to know for sure that I’m not lying. Not that I would. Not to you.”

Spock was hesitant, but all the same drew his hand up. Jim almost flinched back, a harsh memory of the last Spock who had done this to him, but he didn’t pull away. He heard Spock murmur those familiar words in Vulcan, and then suddenly he wasn’t alone in his head.

Only this time, he wasn’t being bombarded with images, with emotions. No, instead Spock was pulling them out, one by one. He pulled out the lightning storm in space, George Kirk dying, his brother, Frank, the car, Tarsus IV. Spock pulled the Academy and the Kobayashi Maru, Spock bringing him up on charges of cheating. He saw once again the destruction of Vulcan, the death of Amanda—Spock marooning him, then attempting to kill him. He saw images of taking command, of saving Earth, then of saving Spock. Images of Spock and Uhura, which killed Jim a little, broke his heart a little, each time. Spock in that damned volcano, Pike threatening to take command back, Khan in the cell, and then Khan trying to take over everything. The last image was of Spock himself, with the ta’al pressed to the glass, and tears in his eyes as everything around Jim went black.

Suddenly Jim was alone in his head, sprawled flat on his back, and Spock was standing with his back turned to Jim, surreptitiously wiping at his eyes.

“Jim,” he gasped.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know how I got here, or why. I don’t know…I don’t know what’s happening. Only that I should be dead, and so should a lot of other people. Only they’re not, and apparently I’m not. And as much as I want you to keep holding me and kissing me, I’m not your Jim. Those affections don’t belong to me.”

Spock stood with his back turned for a while, and when he finally turned, he was composed. The only evidence of his emotion was the slight redness of his eyes.

“Do you understand why we can’t say anything right now?” Jim all-but begged as he pushed himself up to stand. “It would be pandemonium out there.”

“I…find it logical that we keep our silence for now,” Spock said.

Jim swallowed thickly. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

“You were unaware things had changed,” Spock said for him. “It is…understandable.”

Jim bowed his head. “I should uh…you know. I should go. There’s a lot to get done, and I figure once we get this over with, we can put in a request for shore-leave and try to figure out how to get me the hell home.”

Spock nodded. “That would be most agreeable, Captain.”

Jim winced, but understood Spock’s need to put emotional distance between them. “See you for Alpha shift.”

“Affirmative.”

Jim turned quickly, before he did something stupid like throw himself at Spock and beg for one more kiss. The door slid shut, and he started toward his quarters.

It was fine.

It was all fine.

Until it wasn’t.

~*~ 

It all came crashing down, almost immediately out of Jim’s control. Just after the Tellarite Ambassador’s death, and the accusation of Sarek, suddenly Jim was succumbing to the blackness again, the unconsciousness that had pulled him into this universe.

It was by some miracle he regained consciousness, that the Andorian culprit had been caught and taken care of. Jim had managed to sit on the bridge just long enough so that Spock could save his father’s life, and it was only knowing how much pain Spock had been in after losing a parent that gave Jim the strength to do it.

He probably would have been fine. The other Jim might have been perfectly fine after. Except he stood from the Captain’s chair and promptly collapsed.

~*~ 

Jim woke in sickbay, his entire body burning hot, like his blood was boiling. Bones was shouting something in the background, and jabbing a hypo into his neck, but Jim was aware of one thing, and one thing only—Spock looming over him, and Spock’s hand in his own.

Jim met his soft, human-like eyes and managed a smile. “I think I’m dying.”

“Dr. McCoy is having trouble controlling your vitals,” Spock said, a tremor in his voice. “This seems to be related to your injury before.”

Jim swallowed, and his throat felt like it was on fire. “I’m scared.” The words felt like an echo of words spoken to Spock before, but everything was so fuzzy, he couldn’t seem to focus. He tried to keep Spock’s gaze, even as pain seized him. “I’m glad I met your mom. Where I come from, I didn’t get the chance to. I like her.”

Spock let out a tiny huff which might have been a laugh, and he drew their clasped hands to his own lips, pressing a kiss to the top of Jim’s knuckles. “If your Spock does not see what he has right before his eyes, then he is a fool and I am glad I am not him.” Spock’s eyes closed for a moment. “Ashayam.”

“What does that mean,” Jim croaked.

“Beloved.” Spock used his other hand to brush back Jim’s bangs which were sticking to the heavy sweat on his forehead. “T’hy’la,” Spock murmured. He leaned down and kissed Jim’s forehead, and Jim was lost to the sensation just as the blackness—once again—consumed him.

~*~ 

Jim woke to the sounds of beeping, and cracked one eye open to see glaring white light. The room felt different, smelled different. Glancing to his left, he saw a window with a cityscape just beyond, and he knew then he wasn’t on a ship. His eyes rolled to the left, and there was Bones, dressed in Federation Medbay whites.

“I died.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Oh calm down, you were barely dead.”

Jim huffed, pushing his hands into the soft mattress, but he didn’t have the strength to sit all the way up. “What happened?”

“Well, you can thank that bastard Khan for being a genetic freak of nature. His blood was able to counteract the effects of radiation in your blood. You’ve been out for a while, but your vitals are normal.”

Jim blinked, the motion scratchy on dry eyes. “So you got him. You got Khan?”

“That wasn’t me.” Bones cleared his throat, and Jim followed his gaze to a silhouette lurking in the shadows. Tall, lean, hands clasped behind his back.

“Spock,” Jim said, and he was utterly unable to keep the joy from his voice.

Spock stepped into the light, and approached Jim’s bed with hesitance. Just then, Bones stabbed him with another hypo which made everything feel good, and light, and fuzzy.

“It is remarkably good to see you awake, Jim,” Spock said.

Bones scoffed. “He’s only been waitin’ this short of forever. I’m gonna give you two a minute.” 

Bones bustled out of the room, and Jim found enough strength to turn lightly on his side. His hand lifted, reaching out, and after a moment, Spock took it. “I was with you.”

Spock frowned. “You were unconscious.”

Jim shook his head. “No. I mean, yes. I mean, I was dying, and then I woke up and you were there, and you…” It was all very fuzzy now, just bits and pieces of whatever it had been peering through the medication haze. Maybe he wasn’t meant to remember, but two words lingered. “Ashayam. T’hy’la.”

Spock stiffened, his grip on Jim tightening. “You…where did you…”

“Maybe the radiation triggered memories when you—the other you—melded with me. I don’t…we were on the Enterprise, and your parents were there. Your father wasn’t speaking to you because you picked Starfleet over the Vulcan Science Academy.” Jim laughed, a hoarse sound even as he clung to Spock’s hand. “Your mom was incredible. And god, she loved you.”

Spock’s fingers trembled against his, but he didn’t let go.

“I was dying again, when I was there. You called me ashayam. Beloved,” Jim said and closed his eyes as the medication threatened to sweep him into unconsciousness. “You didn’t…” His voice was slowing. “You didn’t tell me…what the other one meant.”

When Spock answered, he was very close to Jim, his breath ghosting over his cheeks. “There is no translation in English, nothing exact enough. But Jim…” Spock cleared his throat, “you are t'hy'la. You always have been.”

Jim smiled, even as his eyes refused to open. “I’m gonna sleep.”

“Rest is paramount to your recovery,” Spock said quietly.

Jim felt his body going further lax into the bed. “Will you…when I wake up, will you be here? You’ll remember?”

Cool, dry lips brushed his forehead, and fingers pushed his hair back just like they had done in that other world. “Yes, ashayam,” this Spock told him, his tone so full of purpose that Jim’s eyes, even behind his closed lids, went wet and hot with affection. “I will be here. For now, get better. We’ve survived, and shall do so into another morning.”

Jim breathed out, and fell into a healing sleep with the smallest grin on his face.


End file.
